Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I am adorable. I am a kindness factory. I convert the bitter ass-itutes of bitchy women dressed in fatigues into rainbows and sunshine.

Apparently, my neutral face makes me look like a bitch, but my smile? Look out.

Today a middle-aged guy told me that I was looking unbelievably fantastic. I thanked him as I brought him his coffee and he asked me, "when's the last time you and those earrings have seen a good movie?" Funny you should ask, my social life is shit, but the earrings? They just escorted Jake Gyllenhall to the Cannes.

I lied and told him I'd seen a great movie last night - said I'd watched one of the unopened netflix sitting on our coffee table. When really I rushed to the grocery store after class and came home in time to have a dinner of macaroni & cheese and 3/4 of a Yuengling at 10pm before slumping into bed with Matt at which point I fretted that I may be gaining weight. Matt responded by repeatedly spanking me while chanting, "you're a fatty!" When I tried to get him to understand how something like that might hurt a girl's feelings by asking what he's most self-conscious about, he responded, "that I am too smart." Are you fucking kidding me?

The guy gave me a dollar tip (!) and left only to return an hour later for another coffee which he told me was for his wife. Ick. Those rare hit-on exchanges are so strange - clearly, I wasn't interested but why would someone with a wife be suggeting that my jewelry and I should be shown a great time? I guess we'll never know.

4 comments:

Matthew McDonald said...

the visual i get of matt in bed chanting your fatty kills me. i literally Laughed Out Loud.

Maura said...

i am glad that my miserable life assumes you. ;)

Matthew McDonald said...

you should have seeked your revenge by pulling his chest hair.

Maura said...

You'd think I could get him by mocking his tuffs of shoulder hair but that guy has thick skin!